This blog post is all about my why. 

Why am I doing this, writing blogs, writing a book, finding opportunities to speak and contribute to important conversations?

Well recently it has become even more apparent that if I don’t do it now, when will I?  I’ve felt it for quite some time, it’s a gut feeling type of thing.  A quiet but persistent inner feeling  telling me that I’m meant to be of purpose in the world. I don’t fully know what that looks like yet, but I do know this: if I reach old age, sitting in my rocking chair, and realise I never tried to share my voice for good… never tried to help others transform their lives… never tried to lift people out of despondency and into joy, love, and peace… then I would feel I had not fulfilled my life purpose.  

It’s that same pull that I felt with such force and flow when I launched two businesses in the past.  It feels as if my destiny is in something outside of the 9-5 corporate world, it truly does. And the more I have healed, done the work and have lifted myself out of my own dependency and dark places.  The stronger the feeling is that I don’t want to live like they tell us to (who is they I don’t know).  That life can be whatever we choose and envision it to be. When I go to work, it is for a giant corporation and I know just how disposable I am.  And when I work I give a heck of a lot of energy and I am just feeling it is all being directed into the wrong places.  I want that energy to be for the good of the world.

So I’ve chosen to begin.

I’ve chosen to launch a website in my full name, not hiding behind a business name, charity name or some other project name, just as myself.  That feels quite brave in itself and has taken me a while to realise that it’s what I should do. 

This website will build into a digital hub over time, full of my content, my channel and as a home for my voice, story, experiences. And all the tools, modalities and helpful ways which have helped me transform into who I am now,  I know can help others.  The sharing of a voice is so powerful because it makes us feel like we are not alone in this world.  Which so many of us do when experiencing addiction, depression or other life challenges.  We think so certainly that it is just us.  But it is not, that is why sharing is so powerful.  Why go through so much to never share or give away that knowledge and learning? 

 Sharing what I can inspire, teach and guide to help people notice, to become aware and then put the steps into place for change. But not only that, I want to talk about what it means to actually do that.  What do we do when we have achieved the goal which may have taken many years.  What then?  How it is possible to make the shift from unconscious and an ‘asleep’ way of living, into fully conscious, aware and awake.  And then live into that new life without fear of it all falling away.

This has all come from my experiences of growing into a new person (which never ends), from perinatal depression, to business collapse, mental breakdown and crisis.  Suicidal thoughts, alcoholism, neuro-divrgence,  all whilst raising three children and experiencing a relationship breakdown.  All this is what broke me but also enabled me to build myself back up.

But what I want to share isn’t about all that, really.  It is about what happened on my way back up and out of the darkness I found myself in.  There are many things about me now that weren’t true before. I’ve lived a lot of life, and I’ve changed because of it. I am not perfect, it’s a daily effort to sustain my mental stability but I have transformed as a person in such positive ways. I am a better human to myself, my kids, my family.  I am a better person, team leader and friend.

When it comes to my work, I’ve always worked in corporate roles. I started at 16 with an apprenticeship, and I loved the routine and structure of a 9–5. I did well. But everything shifted when I became pregnant and started my own business. I created something I never believed I could,  a successful business in Mums Enterprise Ltd, events that helped women navigate the identity shift of motherhood while still honouring their skills and ambitions around flexible work and business.

It was the most in flow I have ever felt. I was on a mission. I was helping women find their way again. It felt purposeful, aligned, and deeply fulfilling.

But little did I know that I was already a broken person then, I would say I was asleep to the pain, trauma and the weight of all my life was piling on top of me and I didn’t even notice.  I didn’t know how to handle the success I had accomplished in Mums Enterprise. I'd been through a lot with my parents and am a child of an alcoholic (that is the first time I have said that out loud, anywhere).  My relationship with the kids' Dad wasn’t healthy, but I didn’t know what love should be like.  And during the business I was having a bad time with my second pregnancy but again didn't know it at the time and never told anybody how I was really feeling.  The business crumbled. Losing it was a grief I carried for years, still do today although I am trying to let that go now.   I didn’t even know that you could experience grief for something other than loosing a loved one.  And I believe it is what has been holding me back from listening to that inner voice for quite some time.  It’s fear of failing…again.

That was 2018, I’ve been healing. Transforming. Listening to my instincts. Learning to live a soul‑led life, reading a lot of books and doing a lot of things to help my mental health over those eight years. And the truth is, the calling has always been there.

My vision is to be on stages, in conversations, on panels, on podcasts, to write a book, to contribute anywhere that allows me to help people feel less alone.

I don’t have it all figured out yet. I don’t know exactly what this journey will look like. And that is actually really scary. But I do know I’m ready to begin, take the baby steps into the unknown and see where I go as a contributor to meaningful conversations.

I guess all I can do is watch this space.

But that is my why, it may be madness it may not work but at least I will have known I have tried. And my vision is strong, I manifested my life as it is today some 8 years on from my darkest days.  If I can do that, surely I can do anything. 

The End. Lindsey.

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